Our visitors are gone. I’m in between consulting jobs and still, halfheartedly I admit, looking for a full-time job. I’ve begun ticking off lingering items on my must-do list, taking time to pursue my painting, going to boot camp 3x a week to stay in shape, making dates with people whose company I enjoy, and doing other things like writing this blog to feed my soul so to speak. I feel strangely sanguine about not having work at the moment.
Over the years, I’ve heard people talk about the need to be “still” enough to hear an inner voice—to let things come to you that get drowned out by the clutter and noise that invade our lives. I think now is that “still” time for me. I crave it as much as I need a drink of water after a 5-mile run or my husband’s sweet kiss. I feel as if I’ve been busy raising children, earning a living and all sorts of other things that keep me from doing, or help me avoid discovering, what it is that I want to do in this life at this time.
Do I know what I want to do? No, can’t say that I do. I’ve always envied people who have a passion. Family is certainly a passion and, for many years, passion was my passion and I poured myself into relationships good and bad. My life has been relatively unplanned…meandering into opportunities and paths that seemed enticing or necessary at the time. This seeming randomness obviously appeals to me. I enjoy being open to possibilities, not being driven by a master plan. This may surprise some people I’ve worked with in the past, because as a supervisor I can be all about knowledge and “process” (though I see “process” as a fluid framework that helps avoid the need to reinvent the wheel for each project and instead lets a team or individual concentrate on substance and creativity).
Anyway, I now find myself shunning the outside noise and trying to protect this precious time even though I’m not entirely sure how to approach it. Generally, I’m a proactive person; figure something out and just do it. So not trying to control the situation or search high and low for answers is new to me. Circumstances have provided this gift of time, and I’m determined to make it worthwhile.
8 comments
Comments feed for this article
June 2, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Albert Ellenich
“Passion” has been one of those thing that scared me for years. I saw people with passion. I worked and lived with them many times. I, on the other hand, could never identify my “passion”, which seems to me is an elevator speech you can recite at cocktail parties as well as elevators.
I’ve grown to realize I’m not alone. There are others like me who feel passionately about many things and refuse to be pigeon-holed into picking only 1 to claim.
My “passion” changes daily, and I’m alright with that. In fact, it’s what makes me find life so interesting and a never ending adventure to see what’s next.
June 2, 2009 at 5:56 pm
audrey
i’ve had this time that you write of, this time without work. and we wonder how best to use this time. at first it was torture, not working and feeling depressed. then as i discovered all the other things that i was free to do with my ‘free time,’ i found it really beautiful. tea with friends, afternoons at the museum…
and too i had time to rediscover my passion, that is writing…
i hope you can get to enjoying this time you have, being still, discovering your passion(s), discovering yourself and getting to who you are now and who might you be…
enjoy, it really is a special time, no matter what others or society says…
June 2, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Lia
Thank you for the encouragement, Audrey! I will keep everyone posted as to how things go.
June 3, 2009 at 4:15 pm
i.d.
Thank you for visiting my blog!
This was a lovely post. I really hope you find what your passion is. I am/was in a similar boat…I studied and had a corporate job for awhile but was miserable so this year I started studying fashion design – it is hard work but so fun and exciting. I wouldn’t say that I know exactly what I want to do now (I fear that I will never know!) but I think I’m at least on the right track.
I found The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron very therapeutic last year when I was trying to figure myself out. Good luck! xx
June 3, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Lia
Thank you. Yes, I’ve benefited in the past from The Artist’s Way. If I were choosing another career at a younger age, I would choose something that not only did I enjoy…but something that could evolve and could carry on beyond retirement age (even in part) and provide income, satisfaction etc. Good luck to you, I admire your change in direction!
June 4, 2009 at 9:12 am
midlifecrisisqueen
Lia:
At the time I lost my job for the first time at age 48, I thot. it was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. Turns out it was the perfect opportunity for me to spend lots of time alone, and get to know myself in the present tense.
Turns out I was not the person I expected to meet and I really enjoyed my company! Now I wish everyone could stop in mid-midlife and get to know themselves with nobody else around to disturb the process. We might all like ourselves lots more if we could!
Love your thinking out loud type of writing here. Please continue….
Laura Lee aka The Midlife Crisis Queen!
June 4, 2009 at 10:42 am
Lia
MLCQ, I think hearing or reading other people’s stories is very beneficial…little lights throughout the tunnel in a way. Thank you for your encouraging comment!
June 5, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Robyn
I defnitely agree that you need quiet time to connect with your true self. I often journal, jot down ideas and thoughts while being contemplative. No sense of urgency…just being in the moment.